is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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