Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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