Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
