goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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