Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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