please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
