your parents love me but you hate me
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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