areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
