I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
