Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
