Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
this beer tastes like vomit already
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
