Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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