I think i peed on brittanys purse
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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