I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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