If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
