I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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