I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
