covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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