fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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