shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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