His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
