There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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