just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
