I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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