May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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