No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so that wasnt chicken after all
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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