life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
