My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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