I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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