I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
