The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
