I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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