Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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