Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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