I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
