after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
