Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
