in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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