My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
