genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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