Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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