thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
