No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
