New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
