2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
