never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
