Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
