he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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