I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
