just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
