I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
