i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
