You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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