i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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