dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
