You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
