apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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