TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
