Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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