I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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