Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
this beer tastes like vomit already
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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