I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
