i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
