then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All I want is dick and wine.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
