Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
