can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Randomize
