I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
