I want to have your abortion
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
