turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i need some magic done to my vagina
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
